Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
