There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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