I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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