my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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