I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
