god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
