you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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