i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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