I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
