apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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