I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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