I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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