did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
