just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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