while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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