I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize