If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
