his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
