Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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