If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
