I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Randomize
