So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
