I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
