hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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