god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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