Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize