i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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