We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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