this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
