i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
