I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize