im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
