Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
