i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
