this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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