He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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