we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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