I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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