Church boner. Awkwardddd
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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