she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
