Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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