I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
