This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
