Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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