I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
