btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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