Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
MIDGETS
????
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
