I want you more than these girls want KFC
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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