also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
