So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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