Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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