Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
