WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dear god my vagina.
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