You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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