So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
