It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
